Dear Kid Whisperer,

I need you to change my name if you answer publicly because I am about to complain about my principal. One of my fifth-graders threatened another student with violence while on the playground and was consequently suspended by the principal for a day. The kid came back the next day with a smile on his face. I overheard him saying that he just rode bikes all day and that it was “awesome.” Knowing this family, this came as no surprise. I feel bad because in telling the principal about it, I caused this situation to happen, but we are required to hand threats to administrators. What do I do the next time this happens? It will happen again. -Jeremy, Canton, Ohio

Dear Jeremy (not really),

Your school’s policies and actions here represent Dark Ages thinking about discipline, and if these policies and actions are not changed, your school will systematically and consistently reinforce negative and even dangerous negative behavior.

AND…THIS IS NOT YOUR SCHOOL’S FAULT.

You couldn’t really blame a medieval doctor in 1107 for not curing your migraine. Similarly, your school is doing its best with what it has: Dark Ages thinking about discipline, spawned by the behavior management void created by the failure of teacher preparation programs to teach behavior management.

Though some schools have a rule like your school does about physical threats being reported to administration (as they should be), far fewer schools have a rule that says that the admin must take action and that the teacher is not allowed to take action. So, if the principal is required to suspend kids, fine. Regardless, in addition to or instead of administrator action, ask if you could take the following action the next time there is a threat. And yes, do it when they come back from their suspension (if that action is required). Also, do your detective work to make sure the threat actually happened.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. That was rough yesterday when you threatened to beat up Kid #1.

Kid #2: That kid is a liar!

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t argue. So, you caused a major problem for Kid #1 in that you made him feel unsafe. That’s not allowed. So, now you are in charge of making Kid #1 feel safe. It’s all up to you. Do you already have a plan for how to make Kid #1 feel safe?

Kid #2: No, frankly.

Kid Whisperer: No worries. Here’s my plan for you. You have to come up with a plan to make Kid #1 feel safe. I am happy to help you with this plan as long as you are working harder than I am. Here in the classroom, during recess, will be your spot to work on the plan until you are done or until the school year ends, whichever comes first.

Kid #2: Until the school year ends!? It’s only January!

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I hear you. I’ll still like you whether or not you get the plan done. I believe in you!

Kid #2 might or might not start working on the plan. IT DOES NOT MATTER. Either way, Kid #2 will be learning important lessons, which is great, since this will take place in a school. Either he makes the plan, and he learns that if he causes a problem for someone, he must solve that problem before he moves on with his life, or, if he refuses to solve the problem, he learns that he will miss out on social elements of life until he solves the problem. If at first he refuses to solve the problem, Kid #2 will learn the most important lesson of his life: that refusing a reasonable request from an adult authority figure does not get you out of responsibilities and does not get you what you want.