How to Win the “I Hate You” Game

Dear Kid Whisperer,

My 7-year-old daughter really knows how to push my buttons. She does it the same way every time, and it works every time. She will simply say, “I hate you.” She's doing it for a reaction, and she gets one every time. I know what I'm doing is encouraging this behavior that makes me so upset. Obviously, this is a bad thing. What do I do instead? -Ann Marie, Canal Winchester, Ohio

Anne Marie,

The “I Hate You Game” is a tried-and-true tactic of children everywhere. It allows kids to get exactly what they want (emotional control of an adult) with an absolute minimum of effort. It is often used when the parent is doing the right thing, or is at least on the right track. Often, we see the words “I hate you” being used when a limit is set, or when a limit is enforced. When a kid surveys their options and sees no better way to emotionally control the adult, they often use these highly effective words.

Disclaimer: if you are a person who wants touchy feely, cute advice, please stop reading. The following advice is to be used to make emotionally manipulative kid tactics non-functional. If you want to use the “I Hate You Game” as an opportunity to have a counseling session with your kid, you will be reinforcing emotional manipulation and wasting your time.

Here's how I would make the playing of this game non-functional for your 7-year-old:

Kid: I WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU SAY AND YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. I know that when people are angry, sometimes it makes them feel good to try to make others feel bad. I love you no matter what. I talk to kids who are being nice.

Kid: I SAID I HATE YOU!!

Kid Whisperer: Who do I talk to?

Kid Whisperer leaves the room, perhaps trying to find someone to converse with who is being nice.

By not playing the “I Hate You” Game, we win. We win by not reinforcing emotional manipulation, and we win by not having to be around a kid who is being unpleasant.