How to Work With a Struggling Colleague Who Doesn’t Want Your Advice

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I am a huge fan. I’ve gone to your conference and I’ve read your book. I think I may be too huge of a fan because I have offended a co-worker with my fandom. There is another 7th grade teacher next door to me who I share students with. Just like I did before I met you, she really struggles with behavior management. The kids that are now well-behaved for me are out of control in her classroom. I told her that the kids are fine for me because I use the Behavioral Leadership stuff that you taught me, and that she should read your book. Well, she did not take it well. She’s angry with me. Full disclosure, she didn’t really like me to begin with. What do I do to repair the relationship?  -Amber, Cincinnati, Ohio

Amber,

Yikes. You messed up.

I’ve been there.

Look, you love my book and the stuff in it. I love my book and the stuff in it. This does not mean that anyone else needs to love me or the stuff in my book. Keep my book between you and people who like and respect you. Even when sharing the book with them, or any strategies or procedures you have learned from me, just present them as things that have greatly improved your life. Don’t give anyone unsolicited advice because no one takes unsolicited advice. Don’t believe me? Has your mother-in-law ever given you unsolicited advice about how to raise your kids? How did that go?

And for goodness’ sake, if someone doesn’t like you, don’t give them advice! (Maybe think about that mother-in-law…)

Here’s how I would approach your colleague:

Kid Whisperer: Hey there. I need to apologize to you. In expressing my enthusiasm for some methods that have helped me, I gave you unsolicited advice on how you should do your job. That was rude, a mistake, and obnoxious. I am so sorry.

Teacher: I don’t enjoy your presence.

Kid Whisperer: I understand. I’m working on having a better personality, and I’m starting by not giving opinions when they are not asked for. I have my ways of doing things, and you have yours. I will let you do your thing. You always let me do mine, so I will extend that same courtesy to you.

Teacher: Courtesy would be nice for a change.

Kid Whisperer: And if it ever happens that we are dealing with the same students, if you are first on the scene, I will stay out of your way. I just ask the same of you.

Teacher: You staying out of my way sounds nice.

Kid Whisperer: I will try to do better, and I am so sorry.

Sometimes all we can do is just say that we’re sorry and try to do better. You think you have some great strategies and procedures that can change people’s lives. I agree with you. You and I both need to focus on getting them to people who are ready for them!