How to Teach Kids to be Non-Violent and Cooperative (Part III of III)

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I teach in a K-5 room for students with emotional and behavioral disorders (EBDs). I love my job and I run a tight ship. My students know that while they are in my room, their negative behaviors won’t work: they only get what they want with positive behaviors. However, a few of my students know that there are some behaviors that I am not allowed to handle in my classroom. I am required to refer physical violence and threats to my principal, and these behaviors lead to detentions and suspensions. I don’t want this to happen, but I don’t know what I can do about it.

Two weeks ago, I showed you how to properly prevent and mitigate these types of “ejector seat” behaviors. Last week I showed you how to make violent threats nonfunctional and how to make students feel safe.

This week I am showing you how to teach students to no longer use these kinds of behaviors that savvy kids know will get them attention, control, and avoidance by forcing teachers to send them out of the room and usually out of school, according to school policies.

Let’s first come to grips with the fact that teachers in this situation are starting behind the eight ball. Kid is coming off of a suspension that rewarded him for his violent, harassing, or threatening behavior. He has perhaps spent the last three days playing video games and seeing how much candy he could eat within 72 hours-- or has been doing activities that are much, much worse.

By your description, you, me, and every other educator out there already know that your high expectations will make Kid’s behaviors, upon Kid’s return, worse!!! Kid will do some simple Behavioral Math:

Well, I get a vacation, complete with video games and candy when I threaten people, and I get math, science, social studies and a person who holds me accountable when I don’t threaten people, so I am going to threaten people. Case closed. Next case.

While Kid’s vacation/exile may not be as reinforcing as this (plenty of suspended kids will be well-monitored and will not be allowed to participate in fun activities) many kids will have this type of vacation, or worse.

The answer is not to stop holding Kid accountable, the answer is to hold Kid accountable appropriately: with calm, loving, firm empathy upon their return during non-instructional time. Explaining that this will be happening to parents during the suspension will be helpful.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. That was rough when you threatened everyone. I’m not mad at you, though. This is an opportunity for growth. You are just struggling with not threatening people. So, I’m going to have you do two things. You are going solve the problem that you caused, and you are going to practice not threatening people. Which would you like to do first?*

*Note: Whether or not students will be cooperative here will depend, mostly, on whether they had three days of video games, or three days of sitting in their room with no technology. If Kid has had three days in their room with no technology, they may be cooperative. If so, Kid Whisperer will successfully take Kid through a writing assignment that may have Kid outline the effects of physical threats on victims of such threats. Kid may also come up with a list of things to say or do the next time Kid becomes frustrated, such as taking a Mindfulness Break.

Most likely though, from what you are describing, Kid will refuse.

This is wonderful. This is just Kid waving a big “Help Me” flag at you. It’s just Kid saying, “I think that refusing a reasonable request from an adult authority figure can get me out of ‘trouble’ and can get me what I want.”

If Kid continues to believe this, Kid will not be able to graduate from high school, maintain employment, or have a positive human relationship, so we should dissuade Kid of this notion.

Keeping the Learning Opportunity (consequence) in place and housing Kid in one place while he refuses can have magically positive effects. Kid will learn the opposite of this belief (that refusing a reasonable request from an adult or authority figure does not get me out of trouble and does not get me what I want) and will have a chance at success and even happiness.