How to Reject the “Well-Rounded Child” Fallacy
Dear Kid Whisperer,
I am a mother of three with two in college. My third child is going to be a junior in high school. My first two were very successful academically in high school and they now go to very good colleges. My youngest is very proficient in arts, music (he plays three instruments and composes songs), writing and literature. He actually gets perfect grades in these areas. Math, science, social sciences, etc., he has no interest in, and he is a C and D student in those classes. This is causing significant discord in our home where excellence is expected. Our first two just rose to the occasion and worked hard in everything they did. How do I get my high school student to work hard in all he does by seeing the importance in doing well in all subjects? -Chelsea, San Jose, CA
Chelsea,
“You shouldn’t do that” is the answer to your question.
Let me answer your question with a multiple-choice question. See if you can get the right answer:
What was the overall high school grade point average of world-wide sensations Picasso, Taylor Swift, and Ernest Hemingway?
3.9
4.0
No one knows.
No one cares.
Did you get it? The answer is both c) and d).
Your youngest son sounds like a damn genius. In fact, he’s probably smart enough to know some things that you have not yet realized:
He will never pursue a career in math or science.
He will be very successful in the pursuits that he wishes to pursue.
Being “well-rounded” academically will not be important in his pursuit of success and happiness.
His mom needs to take it down a notch.
He may also have realized that extremely successful people tend to put monumental and obsessive effort towards the activities and pursuits that they love and are excellent at, while maintaining just minimum proficiency at everything else.
During the course of my career in education, I have asked hundreds of parents what they wanted for their kids. Almost every parent has said something like that they want their kid(s) to be happy, healthy, and have agency over their own lives. It’s safe to assume that you want the same.
I doubt that what you want for your kid is for him to be able to look back on his life and think, “I’m glad I went to Harvard.” If that is what you want for your kid, instead of happiness, health, and agency, that’s a dumb thing to want. If you think that it’s necessary to go to Harvard in order for your kid to get those things, that’s dumb too.
The truth is that your kid is expressing agency over his path towards happiness, and the idea that this path needs to go through an elite college is arguable at best. Even if it were true (it’s not), you riding him about this would be detrimental to your relationship and to how much your kid enjoys the parts of education that he already likes. Here’s how I’d handle your soon-to-be-wildly-successful artistic-type scholar during a calm, one-on-one time:
Kid Whisperer: Dude. I owe you an apology.
Kid: Is it for forcibly putting the Harvard Crimson posters up in my bedroom?
Kid Whisperer: Partly, yes. I just want you to be a happy, healthy person who is able to make choices about his own life. I realize now that this is what you are trying to do by practicing your instruments, composing music, and doing your other projects. I know that you understand what is best for you because you are amazing at working towards your passions. I probably don’t say it enough, but I’m so proud of you.
Kid: I appreciate that.
Kid Whisperer: I’m sorry for getting on your case about your grades that aren’t so great. I just want you to be aware of the fact that these bad grades will impact your options insofar as elite colleges are concerned, as in you will have no chance of getting into them and reaping the benefits of going to those colleges.
Kid: Yes. You’ve been making that abundantly clear since I was a toddler.
Kid Whisperer: Fair enough. Just know that I will love you no matter what your path is, no matter how you choose to live, and no matter who and what you choose to be!
Now go enjoy your amazing kid!