How to Get Your Kid to Leave When It’s Time to Leave

Dear Kid Whisperer, 

I am the frustrated father of a strong-willed six-year-old. For the last 18 months or so, he has often refused to leave with us when it is time to go. He does this when you would expect him to, like at birthdays or when we go to the park, but lately, he even does it when we are leaving the mall or the grocery store. I don’t want to take away from his feelings of autonomy, but we spend so much time trying to convince him to leave with us, and his reasons for staying sometimes don’t make any sense. What should we be doing differently? -Rich, Los Angeles, CA 

Rich, 

A six-year-old didn’t make any sense? 

You don’t say. 

As someone who taught six-year-olds for many years, I can tell you that six-year-olds often do not make any sense. 

Why? 

Because they’re six. 

Their brains don’t really work. 

Since their brains don’t really work, it’s a mistake to let a six-year-old plan your comings and goings. Since a six-year-old’s brain doesn’t really work, maybe you and your wife should be in charge of your own schedules. 

“His feelings of autonomy?” Yikes.  

Somebody’s been using his parenting thesaurus.  

While it may make you feel good about yourself to write those words, it is not developmentally appropriate for kids your son’s age to be given the autonomy to decide when and if they are supposed to leave a place. That’s your job. 

It’s time to do your job. 

To review, appropriate autonomy for a six-year-old does not include deciding whether or not he will leave the birthday party. You can, however, gift your kid a feeling of autonomy by allowing him to choose between two times when he could leave the party. If you are OK with leaving the get-together any time in the next ten minutes, you can give the following choice: 

“Would you rather leave now or in ten minutes?” 

If your kid is having fun, he will choose the later time. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are giving him a developmentally appropriate form of autonomy. 

Once it is time to go, Autonomy Time is over.  

Why?  

Because we obviously have to go to the next place because we live in the real world where the laws of time and space are in effect. 

Here’s something that you may have forgotten. You are bigger than your kid.  

Adult humans are bigger than their offspring for two main reasons: 

1)      To make childbirth seem like a plausible activity that someone might want to do 

and 

2)      To make removing their kids from Walmart easier. 

Here’s how I would capitalize on this advantage that all adult mammal parents have, at least for a little while. This will teach your kid that when it is time to go, it is time to go.  

Kid: I SHAN’T LEAVE THE CHUCK E. CHEESE, FOR I AM LORD OF ALL THAT I SURVEY, AND MY TIMELINES HAVE THE FORCE OF LAW! 

Kid Whisperer: Would you like to walk to the car, or would you like to fly? 

Kid: GET BACK PEASANT! I HEREBY DECLARE MY AUTONOMY FROM YOUR NONSENSE! 

Kid Whisperer: Time to fly. WEEEEEEEE!! 

Kid Whisperer gently, safely, and firmly picks up Kid. 

Kid Whisperer carries Kid to the car and says nothing else besides this sound of joy, so he doesn’t accidentally say something that may get him thrown out of Chuck E. Cheese. 

If this is followed each and every time, Kid will learn very quickly that whether he walks or flies, he will be leaving when his parents want to leave. This will teach Kid to choose walking as a means of healthily maintaining his autonomy within the limits calmly set by his parents.