Dear Kid Whisperer,

My four year-old does not play well with other children. It’s not even a general problem, it’s mostly one specific thing: he takes things from other kids. If a kid has something, he’ll take it. It started with him taking things he wanted in daycare, at the playground, and from his sister at home. Now I think he just takes things because he likes taking things. He refuses to give the things back. His mother and I have talked to him about it for literally a year and a half: how he shouldn’t take things, how people have their things and he has his, etc. None of it has had any effect. How do we stop this?

I would disagree that how you are handling this situation has had no effect. It’s had lots of effects:

• You’ve taught your kid that when you take things from others, you get attention.

• You’ve taught your kid that he is more powerful than adults by the adults not taking away the stolen item.

• You’ve taught him that his parents are not reliable in setting limits, enforcing limits, and creating an environment where people and their things are safe and secure.

• You’ve spent a huge amount of time teaching your kid these lessons, which is bad.

First, here’s what not to do.

Don’t:

• Lecture your toddler about current American property law

• Allow him to keep stolen property

• Give extensive attention to the behavior of stealing

• Act like your kid stealing is your problem (it’s not)

Put another way, kids want four things in life: attention, a feeling of control, avoidance of undesirable people or situations, and stuff. Stealing is getting him three out of four of those things. Here’s how I would make it so your kid would go zero for four when he takes stuff from others at, let’s say, a neighborhood playground.

Kid steals a toy from another kid.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, shucks. Would you like to give that toy back to this young lady or would you like me to give it back to her?

Kid: I have the right to own this, and it is now my property. Why, you may ask? Well, in the case of Kid vs. Scheinbaum…

Kid Whisperer: Oh, shucks. (Kid Whisperer calmly, gently and firmly stabilizes the arm attached to the hand holding the stolen property, and then calmly, gently and firmly takes the stolen property. Kid Whisperer returns stolen property to the wronged party. Playground Justice has been achieved.)

Kid: HOW DARE YOU!!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! I WILL SHOW MY DISPLEASURE BY YELLING LIKE THIS! THAT’S RIGHT! I AM YELLING LIKE THIS!

Kid Whisperer: Feel free to stay here at the park as long as you can be calm and pleasant.

Kid: I’m giving you ten seconds to return my property! ONE…

Kid Whisperer calmly, gently, and firmly picks up Kid and walks to the car at a calm, methodical pace.

Kid Whisperer: (calmly and very slowly) Oh, shucks… oh, shucks… oh shucks.

Kid: BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Kid Whisperer calmly, gently, and firmly straps Kid into his car seat. He only says “Oh, shucks” no matter what. As he drives home, he only uses the words, “Oh, shucks”.

Kid Whisperer has taught Kid that taking things will not get him attention, a feeling of control, or stolen property. The price tag on this lesson is much lower at four than it will be at twenty-four.