How to Stop Being the One Responsible for Your Kid’s Stuff

Dear Kid Whisperer,

If it wasn’t for me being responsible for my child’s possessions, my child’s possessions would have been left all over town. She’s 7 and she still leaves her stuff everywhere: jackets, tablets, games, toys. How do I get her to be more responsible for her stuff? -Robin, San Francisco, California

Robin,

I don’t know why your daughter would ever remember to be responsible for anything.

Why not?

Because she has you for that.

Kids change their behavior when there is a reason to do so. If she does remember to take her toy home, she gets to keep her toy. If she does not remember to take her toy home and you remind her to do so, she still gets to keep her toy, so, whether or not she is responsible, she gets the same positive result. So why would she change her irresponsible behavior?

Many parents think that it is their job to teach responsibility. That’s not quite right. Optimally, It is actually their job to allow the universe to do the teaching about responsibility whenever possible. The universe and its laws can teach more effectively than any human. When that is not possible or advisable, according to your income level and the value (monetary or sentimental) of the thing about to be left behind, the parent can do the teaching (with sadness and action, not anger and words). I will tell you exactly how to do the former, and describe how to do the latter. First, here’s how I would let the universe do the teaching while getting out of the universe’s way:

Kid and Kid Whisperer leave the park with Kid’s toy frog sitting comfortably on a park bench. Kid Whisperer is aware of abandoning said frog.

Three hours later…

Kid: AHHHHHHHH!!! I LEFT DR. PEEPERS IN THE PARK!!!! YOU HAVE TO GO GET HIM IMMEDIATELY and while you’re out, get me a sundae. It will help to soothe my nerves regarding this Dr. Peepers incident. By the way, I’m a little disappointed in your lack of responsibility regarding my things.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. This is really rough. I know that you are going to make it through this.

Kid: Make it through what? You should take main street and park on the south side of the park. Please remember my nut allergy when selecting my sundae toppings. Hurry along. I forgive you.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. I am afraid that it is late, and my stories are about to start on TV. I’m afraid it doesn’t work for me to get Dr. Peepers. I know that this will be sad, and that you will get through this.

Kid cries hysterically for an hour.

…and scene.

Now, if you think that this will be a hurtful trauma for Kid that will scar her for life, you are wrong. But, if you just can’t bring yourself to allow the universe to do some teaching about responsibility by letting your kid leave something of too much monetary (a tablet) or sentimental (a valued toy owned since infancy) either think ahead and never allow Kid to bring such items, or teach with your own empathy and inaction.

Kid and Kid Whisperer leave the park. The moment that they get to the car, Kid Whisperer speaks.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. You forgot Mr. Num Nums. Oh boy.

Kid goes to retrieve Mr. Num Nums. Kid returns.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. It looks like you don’t quite have the responsibility level necessary to take Mr. Num Nums out in public. We won’t be doing that anymore. It’s probably for the best anyway.

Kid: But how will Mr. Num Nums learn about the world?

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. I don’t argue.

That’s it.

Through your actions, not words, Kid will thank you someday when they have become responsible citizens capable of teaching their own kids to be responsible as well.