How to Set a Limit With Another Adult
Dear Kid Whisperer,
I can’t believe I am doing this, but I am actually writing to you to ask about dealing with my boyfriend’s behavior. I have been with him for ten months and our relationship is not the best, and not the worst, but I really don’t like the way he treats my nine-year-old son. Some background: my son was a real handful in the past, but thanks to taking some advice from you and your blog and some hard work on my part, I really don’t have problems with him anymore. Now, though, my boyfriend yells at my son for what I think is no reason. He just flies off the handle. There’s nothing physical, but he just yells very aggressively at my son, getting in his face, and I’m not OK with it. What should I do?
Beth,
This has red flags all over it. I say that from the perspective of someone who is utterly unqualified to give relationship advice–not to mention the fact that I am not a relationship counselor. My own marriage is only successful because I married the best and most patient lady in the universe. That said, I am just, under my breath, letting you know that this situation seems like a problem, and it seems like a boyfriend who aggressively yells at a nine-year-old who is not doing anything horribly wrong might eventually escalate that behavior. Again, it’s not my area, but just be cautious, do what is necessary to stay safe and healthy, and consult the proper professionals if and when you think it’s appropriate.*
*By the way, if there is a relationship counselor or even counselor or expert about abusive relationships (not saying that your relationship qualifies as such) who thinks I am leaving something out here, please contact me and I may add to this answer.
What I am an expert at is setting limits and enforcing limits with jerks. It sounds like your boyfriend may be a jerk, so here’s how you set limits with this jerk.
I mean guy. This guy.
By the way, you are not alone. Having worked with parents for many years, I have helped many people to set and enforce limits with significant (and some insignificant) others. Setting and enforcing limits with another adult can change your life forever.
Here’s how I would set and enforce limits with your special friend if I were you:
Boyfriend: (To Kid) HOW DARE YOU!!! I TAKE MY COFFEE WITH CREAM AND THIS IS BLACK!!
Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. We will remain in your presence for as many seconds as you can be calm and respectful to me and my son.
Boyfriend: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU ARE SO STUPID AND YOUR SON IS GOING TO BE A FAILURE BECAUSE YOUR ARE RAISING HIM TO BE A FAILURE! I…
Kid Whisperer: Oh boy. For how long will we remain in your presence?
Kid Whisperer and Kid immediately and calmly leave and go to a safe place at another geographical location, far away from Boyfriend.
Do not say anything else besides “Oh, boy” or try to improvise a response. Those words, though they may feel hokey, will be an alternative to any of the other words that you might otherwise say that could escalate the situation, and/or might make you regret them later.
Again, safety first. If you think that you may be in danger at any point, consult a professional in this area, forget everything I just suggested, and do what they tell you to do. Otherwise, this can be used as a way to set and enforce limits without escalating or saying or doing something that you might regret.
Stay strong and safe!