How to Guide Kids to Respectfully Set Limits With Teachers

Dear Kid Whisperer,

My freshman son is well-behaved and loves school, except for fifth period. That class is taught by a long-term substitute and has been all year. My son has been a pretty accurate reporter so far in his life at school, and he says that the substitute does not have lesson plans and student behaviors are pretty bad. The students have taken to criticizing the teacher’s lack of preparation to his face during class. (My son even told me that he engaged in this once.) The teacher also often yells at the students. My son is fed up and so am I, but I don’t want my son to be disrespectful. I am going to talk with the principal, but how do I tell my son to handle this situation?

If the goal is for your son to have the optimal learning environment possible while being respectful in class, you are starting on the right track.

One piece that I will add is that I think it’s important for you to be able to teach your kid to calmly and respectfully advocate for himself.

Here’s how I would teach your kid to remain calm and respectfully set a limit with his teacher:

Kid: Fifth period is a joke! The teacher just has us get on the same computer program every day and he doesn’t teach! EVER! People are bored and they’re acting up and he yells, and people don’t care, and people yell back at him, and I want to yell at him! I hate it!

Kid Whisperer: I am so sorry that this is happening. It’s not fair and it’s not right. While a reasonable number of tough situations will arise at school, just like in life, and you should have to deal with those situations yourself, this may rise to a level of dysfunction that is not reasonable for 14- and 15-year-olds to deal with.

Kid: I’ll say! Homeschooling it is!

Kid Whisperer: I hope it doesn’t come to that. Let’s tag-team this. I am going to go in and talk to your principal to make sure this teacher starts teaching lessons. Also, I think this may be a good time for you to advocate for yourself being treated in a dignified way. While there is a hierarchy in the classroom, and the teacher must be at the top of that hierarchy, you have the right to calmly and respectfully advocate to be treated in a calm, respectful way.

Kid: Will this include me telling him, in front of all my friends, that he’s a terrible teacher?

Kid Whisperer: While that may or may not be true, if it were you in his position, would you take that very well?

Kid: I suppose not.

Kid Whisperer: Right. That’s why I will be trying to deal with the academic piece. You are in charge of setting limits about how you wish to be treated by your teacher.

Kid: This sounds promising.

Kid Whisperer: Don’t get too excited. If he treats you in a way that you feel is mean or disrespectful, you can say, calmly and respectfully, and if possible, in a whisper, “I don’t think you’re being respectful to me. May we please talk about this later?”

Kid: But won’t I get in trouble?

Kid Whisperer: Maybe. But this is the kindest, most respectful way I can think of for you to advocate for yourself without being rude or disruptive. If you say exactly these words in exactly the way I described, he can’t reasonably say that you did anything wrong-- though he might anyway. I’ll support you if necessary. If you say anything else, or say it the wrong way, you’re on your own.

That later conversation should be, as much as possible, led by Kid. To be optimally successful, Kid should just empathize and say how the teacher’s anger makes him feel, and should not involve criticizing the teacher, or telling him what to do in any way. Statements could include:

I know that this is a really hard job, but I feel scared when you yell at us.

I know some of the kids aren’t cooperative, but I feel like when you yell at all of us, it’s not fair.

This will be difficult to carry out (for both you and Kid) but it’s probably the best way to get good outcomes from a very tough situation.