How to End Swearing at Home
Dear Kid Whisperer,
My eight-year-old grandson is experimenting with using borderline expletives: saying “Darn it!” but saying it in such a way that could be perceived as saying the more taboo word. My son, his father, and I are at a bit of a loss as to what to do about this.
Behold, The Human Kid.
The Human Kid is born quite small. Over the course of its early life, The Human Kid experiments with how it can get attention and control in a world where everyone is bigger and has more resources.
Getting attention, after all, is connected to survival for The Infant Human Kid: when it cries, it is made warm to avoid hypothermia and death, it is fed to avoid starvation and death, or it is cleaned to avoid infection and death.
Getting attention is important to humans.
Through this getting of attention, The Infant Human Kid gets a feeling of control over the environment in a healthy way (ways that lead to its very survival). As Infant Human Kids turn into Toddler Human Kids, they start to have wants, instead of just having needs.
Your eight-year-old Human Grandson is experimenting with getting attention and thereby control by swearing (kinda). In a weird way, your grandson is subconsciously equating getting a feeling of attention and a feeling of control through (sorta) swearing with his very survival!
You probably already see the bind this puts us in: any means of dealing with The Eight-Year-Old Human Kinda Swearing Kid that gives him attention gives him a feeling of control and can therefore reinforce the (almost) swearing behavior.
Here’s how I would minimize the attention and control given to your Human Kid Grandson, while teaching him that if he causes a problem (according to his father’s values), he will be required to solve that problem. Also, notice how I simultaneously close the I’m Only Kinda Swearing Loophole.
Kid: Well, FRICK THIS CRUD!
Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. This is tough. I’m going to help you learn about this later.
Kid: I think that if you consult any number of reference materials of commonly used vernacular, you will find that none of my utterances fall under the category of taboo language… So, if you’ll excuse me… ANY SONS OF BEE STINGS WHO DON’T LIKE MY LANGUAGE CAN…
Kid Whisperer: YEESH. I don’t argue. When will I help you learn about this?
Kid: Later? Frick.
Later, at a calm moment…
Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. That was rough yesterday when you had that swearing fit.
Kid: Once again, I feel I need to remind you that Webster’s dictionary defines obscenity as…
Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. I don’t argue. This swearing really stresses me out because you are not living up to the values of our family. I’ve been too stressed out, because of your language, to do what I usually do for our family, which in the last 24 hours has been to do the laundry and clean the bathrooms.
Kid: I’m not loving where this is going, rupid.
Kid Whisperer: To de-stress me, I’ll have you do the laundry and clean the bathrooms to a level of clean that meets our family’s expectations. You know how to do both. Let me know if you have any questions. As soon as you have taken away my stress, you will have solved the problem that you’ve caused, and we’re good.
Kid: What if I refuse to do this, bidiot?
Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. That’s certainly a choice you could make. Your choice is either to de-stress me by doing these chores for me, or to be in the house during all non-school time until you turn 18, at which time, you will be required to leave the home. I guess I’ll have someone else de-stress me at that point. That would be sad, but it’s your choice, and I’ll love you no matter what you decide.
Doing this can minimize the attention I give to Kid when he uses the negative behavior, while teaching him the valuable lesson that if he causes a problem for his family, he is required to solve that problem.