How to Do Away With Entitlement at a Young Age

Dear Kid Whisperer,

My daughter’s friend from kindergarten gets to celebrate a “half-birthday.” Apparently, six months after her real birthday, she gets a celebration for being halfway to her next birthday, complete with a half cake, presents, and a small party. Unfortunately for me, my daughter was present at this party. When I picked her up from this party, which I didn’t realize was a party, I hesitated for a moment when she asked me why she had never had a half-birthday party. She told me she was going to have one, and informed me that I was going to throw it for her. My moment of hesitation caused her to become angry. Since her friend has this party every year, I feel like we should do this for her, but her assuming that she should have it makes me feel like we are going in the wrong direction. -Wesley, Los Angeles, CA

Yeesh, Wesley.

I usually use most of my words telling readers how to handle the situation that they are asking about. However, your question reveals such a profound misunderstanding about your proper role as a parent that I think I need to give you some very basic information on how to be a parent, since apparently, no one has told you this yet.

It is not your job to make sure your kid has all the things and experiences that she wants. She’s six. She has an unlimited appetite for parties and glitter and stuffed animals and sparkles and unicorns and gumdrops and rainbows. Wanting those things is healthy and normal (who doesn’t love a good unicorn?).

What isn’t healthy or normal is for you to think that your daughter should dictate whether and how she gets any of these things. It will cause her to develop an entitlement world-view that, if unchanged, will likely lead to despair: people who think that it is someone else’s job to make them happy tend not to be happy. Plus, trying to fulfill your daughter’s every want will be impossible and therefore frustrating (there are no unicorns).

It is not your job to make your kid happy (because you can’t do that anyway, and even if you could, you shouldn’t). It is your job to kindly set and enforce reasonable limits according to your own value structure, resulting in your kid developing the resilience necessary to perhaps become happy as a part of normal, healthy, pro-social development.

Here’s how I would do this with your kid as I picked her up from the half-birthday party:

Kid Whisperer: How was playing with your friend?

Kid: Wonderful! I learned that there is something called a “Half-Birthday Party” during which an utterly deserving young person is showered with all of the gifts and high-fructose corn syrup that she deserves. I, too, will be basking in the glory of ME when I get such an event. It shall come to pass on the 16th day of April. Make it happen. You’re welcome.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I will not be doing that for you. I’d be happy to facilitate one birthday event for you per year.

Kid: BUT THIS IS WHAT I REQUIRE!

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t know what to tell you.

Kid has a meltdown.

This meltdown is so wonderfully healthy and helpful. It teaches your child that her wants are not needs, that you are not in any way responsible for fulfilling her wants, and that no one besides her is responsible for making her happy.