Dear Kid Whisperer,

As a retired elementary school teacher, I enjoy reading your column in the newspaper every weekend. I have noticed a common theme in your responses: don’t punish students (for example by taking away their recess time), for exhibiting behaviors that are undesirable or attention seeking, but rather suggest replacement behaviors which the students must practice. The suggestion is always to have the students practice during non-instructional time. I am just curious as to when that non-instructional time occurs? In my career, which spanned 36 years and included grades 1-5, the only non-instructional times in our school day were recess and lunch. As a student can’t be denied his/her lunch time, wouldn’t that non-instructional time have to be recess? Doesn’t that child then view it as being punished by not getting to participate in recess in order to practice a new behavior? Or is this just semantics?

Thank you for reading, and thank you for your lifelong service to kids. People like you are my heroes!

Correct-- we don’t punish, but instead we treat behavior exactly the same as we teach academics: if you demonstrate that you are not proficient at using a behavior correctly, you may be required to practice said behavior until you become an expert. I would also add that there is another kind of Delayed Learning Opportunity. A kid can learn to become more responsible by authentically solving  a problem that they caused.

Before I answer your question, I wanted to make sure that you (and our readers) are aware that DLOs should take up only 10% of our efforts to elicit positive behaviors from kids. 90% of these efforts are preventive, mitigative, relationship-building, and control sharing, as detailed in my book “The Classroom Behavior Manual.”

Here in The Dark Ages of Behavior Management, people often ask the wrong questions. One wrong question is, “Should recess be taken away as a punishment?” The answer is that punishment should never be used at any time. Instead, we should use non-instructional time to teach positive behaviors and responsibility. If a teacher feels that they should teach positive behaviors and responsibility (with calm empathy, by the way) during these times, she can choose to do so at her discretion before school, at lunch (please provide lunch), recess, at a non-academic assembly often created by teachers, or after school. She can pick and choose from these times according to her unique schedule, priorities, school rules, state rules, and value structure.

It is possible that any kid could perceive any Delayed Learning Opportunity as punitive. However, if it is a logical opportunity to learn that is delayed correctly and delivered with calm, loving empathy, the chance of the student perceiving it this way decreases. Also, what the kid perceives is not nearly as important as what is actually happening: an opportunity for learning and growth, and a chance for them to learn and for us to teach.

Here’s how I have taught a positive behavior in the past with two students who were not working well together in a way that caused a problem for each other and for others. It took place during a non-instructional time.

Kid Whisperer: Hey, fellas! Yikes. You guys were really struggling with not causing a problem with each other yesterday.

Kid #1: I didn’t do anything!

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t argue. Anywho, I’m not mad or anything. I just require that all of my students be or become experts at not causing a problem. No worries. So how long do you two need to sit next to each other without causing a problem for each other or anyone else? 20 minutes or 30 minutes?

Kid #2: 20 minutes.

Kid #1: I feel this to be punitive.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t argue. You guys can sit right next to each other and practice not causing a problem. Feel free to draw, talk, play games, read, or do anything except sleep (because you can’t sleep and practice at the same time). I’ll count all problem-free minutes!

Note that they can do things that they enjoy during this time because it’s not a punishment. It’s an opportunity to learn.