How to Avoid the “Demand Cycle” in Your Classroom

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I teach 4th grade, and I think that I generally do a good job. However, I have noticed that pretty much every day I start out in a good mood, but then student behaviors slowly get worse throughout the day, and I get more and more annoyed every single day. It is taking a toll. I need a solution. -Marian, Detroit, Michigan

Marian,

I think almost all teachers can relate to what you are saying, and yes, there is something you can do.

You are getting into what I call the “Demand Cycle.” It goes like this:

A student uses a small negative behavior.

You tell her to stop.

She feels that a little bit of control has been taken away. She is a little bit annoyed by you because no one likes being told what to do.

You become a little annoyed, too, because you have focused on something negative.

Your more difficult students notice that you give people attention when they use small negative behaviors. These students don’t care what kind of attention they get (positive or negative) so multiple students use negative behaviors.

The above cycle continues, but now you are telling multiple students to stop their behaviors, this time doing so in a way that shows everyone how annoyed you are. Because you are focusing on the negatives in your room, you soon start to think that everything happening in your room is negative.

Now, multiple students are annoyed. None of them like being told what to do.

All of them feel that you have taken control from them.

The students who have been told what to do, even the first one, all try to get control back. This is easy because at this point, you are so annoyed that any student can control the color of your face and the volume of your voice by using even a small negative behavior. Some may even experiment with using bigger negative behaviors.

The anti-social lesson you have taught these students is that the more annoying they are, the more control they get to feel, and people like to feel control. This cycle goes on every day, all day, until you are praying that June comes as quickly as possible and you are wondering how this could be the life you chose.

The good news is that this does not have to be your life, if you consciously make an effort to replace the “Demand Cycle” with the “Noticing Cycle” every day. Here’s how I did it in my classroom:

Kid #1 is trying to get the attention of Kid #18 by tapping his shoulder over and over. Kid #18 is doing his best to ignore this, but it won’t last long.

Kid Whisperer (while walking around, completely ignoring Kid #1): I noticed Kid #12 is working hard. I noticed Kid #4 is using her hands the right way. I noticed Kid #23 is indenting her narrative paragraph.

Kid #1 stops tapping Kid #18 (just like in the “Demand Cycle,” but this time he stopped because he saw that you give attention to kids who are using their hands the right way, and he was using his hands the wrong way.)

All of the other students also concentrate on using their hands correctly, working hard, and indenting their narrative paragraphs.

No one is annoyed at Kid Whisperer because Kid Whisperer didn’t have to nag anyone to act in a way that will make him resentful and annoyed. He may have to gently guide students using minimum attention and without embarrassing students (perhaps a whispered question: “What should you be doing?” or a quick shake of the head with eye contact) but he avoids making demands because he knows that demands lead to negativity and resentment for both students and teachers.