How to Allow Your Daughter to Take Control of Her Own Problems

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I am at a loss with my ten year-old daughter. She has some attention issues. Her inability to attend to life is causing problems, and her anxiety and stubbornness is compounding these problems. She won’t pay attention to things, like not listening to the coach during basketball practice, and then she fails at things, like not knowing the play in the basketball game. Her teammates then get frustrated with her, and she gets really upset. I try to help by giving her strategies, but this just makes her frustrated with me so she won’t listen, and the same things keep happening. Any thoughts? -Ann, Fargo, North Dakota

Dear Ann,

Your question reminds me of the fact that kids aren’t just a list of symptoms for which we apply a solution. They are whole people for whom a prescribed solution may not take into account the whole person, which includes details about that person that have little or nothing to do with a host of symptoms. 

Your question also reminds me that you can’t solve this set of problems for her, and that your daughter may not be ready to solve her problem yet. Failure to solve these problems will lead to suffering, which, as long as you allow your kid to suffer in order to learn, should eventually lead to your daughter eventually using strategies to solve her attention problems.

If you are like many modern parents (and I don’t think you are, but this is important to mention), you may be unwilling to allow your daughter to suffer so that she eventually learns to solve her problems. If this is the case,  you will be virtually ensuring that your daughter will suffer significantly more throughout her life while you continue to own her problems, while annoying your daughter, perhaps for the rest of your life.

Your kid not only has attention issues, but also a very high control need. This can be a fantastic attribute once she is allowed to be in control of her own life and be responsible for solving her own problems. As someone who also has some pretty serious attention and anxiety issues, who also has a very high control need, and who is a parent as well, I have some significant first-hand knowledge here.

Here’s how to not solve the problem (remember, it’s not your problem to solve) but to set up your relationship with your daughter so that she is more likely to see her problems as hers, so she will be willing to solve her own problems eventually.

Kid: And I didn’t run the right play because I guess I wasn’t listening and now everyone hates me because we lost.

Kid Whisperer: Ugh. That is rough. 

Kid: I know I should pay attention! I know, I know!!!

Kid Whisperer: I’m sorry that happened. What are you going to do?

Kid: What!?! I don’t know. I always mess up and I don’t even care.

Kid Whisperer: This is really hard. If and when you want some strategies, just let me know. I love you so much, and I’m so sorry that this happened.

That’s it. If I would try to solve the problem, the problem would remain, and Kid would like me less. You can offer help if and when Kid is ready. In the meantime, her problems will make her life worse, and for some kids, these are the only conditions under which they will solve their problems.

Sometimes your kid just needs love, empathy, and the freedom to live her own life, fight her own battles, and solve her own problems.