How to Address Your Child’s Behavior with Actions Instead of Words
Dear Kid Whisperer,
My husband and I gave my three-year-old a magic wand for his birthday. It is his favorite possession. He goes everywhere with it and it’s really adorable to watch him cast spells and do “magic.” Recently, however, he has started hitting his five-year old brother with it. His father and I have talked to him about being gentle and kind and not hurting people. He just either laughs or runs away, or continues to hurt his brother. He have talked to him about this over and over again, and we’re starting to feel (and act) very frustrated. Not sure what else to do. –Jennie, Tucson, Arizona
Jennie,
Through no fault of your own, and with the best of intentions, you are training your kid to be mean, disrespectful, rude, and violent.
You are going to need to make a major paradigm shift if you’d like to raise a kind, respectful, polite, and non-violent kid.
Commencing attempt at paradigm shift.
Kids don’t generally listen much to words, but they do tend to notice when we take action. This is especially true with certain kids, and you appear to have one of those certain kids. They also notice our lack of action, especially when we only use words. When you say “Don’t hit your brother with the wand,” your kid hears “You are allowed to hit your brother with the wand at least once, and I’m not going to do anything, so please continue.” Likely, he will experiment with hitting multiple times unless you take action.
Also, your kid does not have a constitutional right to a magic wand.
Sometimes it amazes me the things I have to write.
Here’s how I would take action with your kid:
Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. I feel like I may have been saying confusing things about your trusty magic wand. It must have been pretty annoying and confusing when I would lecture you. Sorry about that. I won’t do that anymore. Feel free to keep your wand for as many seconds as you can use it without hurting anyone with it or causing any problems with it. Thanks.
Kid immediately hits his brother with the wand. Kid Whisperer inhales. On the exhale, he speaks.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy.
Kid Whisperer immediately, calmly, gently, and firmly stabilizes Kid’s wrist with one hand, grips the wand with the other. Kid Whisperer inhales. On the exhale, he speaks.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy
Kid Whisperer removes the wand from Kid’s hand simultaneously with the utterance of these words.
Kid Whisperer walks towards a place that has a wand storage space out of reach of Kid. While in route, Kid Whisperer inhales. On the exhale, he speaks.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy
Kid Whisperer safely stores the wand.
Kid: IWILLNEVERFORGIVEYOUFORTHISANDSOMEDAYIWILLWRITETABOUTTHISINMYMEMOIRSANDYOUWILLFEELTHESHAMEOFDEPRIVINGMEOFMYWANDANDIHATEYOU!!!!!!
Kid falls onto the ground and has a tantrum.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy.
Kid Whisperer walks to a room where there are no crying three-year-olds.
Later…
Kid: When can I get my wand back?
Kid Whisperer: When I notice that you are doing an excellent job of being kind and peaceful without your wand, you can try being calm and peaceful with it.
Kid: When will that be?
Kid Whisperer: Won’t it be exciting to find out?
Weeks or months later (not days):
Kid Whisperer: I have noticed that you have been acting kind and peaceful without your wand. Now we can see if you can be calm and peaceful with your wand. Feel free to keep your wand for as many seconds as you can be kind and peaceful with it.
Kid Whisperer gives the wand back without any lectures or warnings.
If Kid causes a problem with the wand, we repeat the above procedure.
Remember to take action first and save all of the words and attention for when all is well.