Dear Kid Whisperer,

My four-year-old had was having a good day at preschool, but when I arrived to pick her up, she had a meltdown. After getting her to calm down and talk with me, she walked out fine, but it was only a matter of time--she had another meltdown.

Then, when I got her in the car, her boot fell off. This began a massive power struggle about me helping with the boot, her (perhaps intentionally) kicking it off again, just taking both boots off, and so on. After her ignoring me, me badgering her, her baiting me to get the boot, and her asking me to stop the car so she could get her boot, it ended with another tantrum. Help!

 

Sometimes when reading questions, a red flag is so glaring and scary, I will exclaim, out loud, in my office, with no one else in the room,

“YIKES! RED FLAG!”

This was one of those times.

Here’s what did it for me this time. And I quote:

“After getting her to calm down and talk with me...”

NOOOOOOO.

No.

Absolutely not.

Never, never, never try to get your kid to calm down and talk with you about the negative behavior when they're having a tantrum. Your kid isn't in a thinking state, and while you are in front of a bunch of other adults at preschool pickup, you probably aren't either. So why would you try to reason with someone who can't reason while you can’t reason?

Even worse, when you do this, you are

1) Tacitly approving of the tantrum.

and

2) Reinforcing the behavior because you are giving it attention, and thereby control.

Since your daughter wants both attention and control, the behavior is now more likely in the future. I think you actually know this, as you acknowledge that the second tantrum was, and again I quote,

 “only a matter of time.”

Yes, indeed!

Here’s how I would pick up Kid after preschool tomorrow:

Kid Whisperer: Hi, Kid! It’s great to see you!

Kid: NOOO! I WILL GO NOWEHERE WITH THE LIKES OF YOU! I SHALL RE-ENTER MY ASSIGNED PLACE OF EDUCATION AND SHALL CONTINUE WITH THE STACKING OF ASSORTED ITEMS AND THE PAINTING OF VARIOUS TEXTILES!

Kid Whisperer: Would you like to go to the car like a train or like a helicopter?

Kid: MY GOODNESS, ARE YOU DEAF?!?!!?! I SAID I SHAN’T…

Kid Whisperer: Like a helicopter it is! (Kid Whisperer gently and safely picks up Kid and calmly carries flailing Kid as Kid screams, while Kid Whisperer makes the sound of a helicopter)

Kid: THIS! SHALL! NOT! STAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kid Whisperer carries Kid to the car and puts Kid into a car seat gently and firmly. As Kid Whisperer begins the drive home:

Kid: I wish to discuss the status of my boots. (Ahem.) On occasion, they fall off. This seems to have already occurred with one or more of said boots. I would like to now engage in a cat-and-mouse, gamified conversation whereby I say things and you get frustrated. Ready? Go: would you prefer to stop the car, or would you like me to scream? Hint: there is a right answer.

Kid Whisperer: I talk to kids who are being nice.

Kid: Oh, I guess you want me to scream, then??

Kid Whisperer: Who do I talk to?

Kid: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!! YOU WILL LEARN TO DO MY BIDDING!!!! BWAAAAAAA!!!!!

By driving without responding, Kid Whisperer enforces the limit he set about who he talks to, while increasing trust (Kid Whisperer is doing exactly what he said he would do) and remaining calm at the same time.