Dear Kid Whisperer,

My son will be playing basketball on his school’s 8th grade team, and he has a bad attitude. During games, he spends a lot of time complaining about referees’ calls, rolling his eyes at his coach, and not really being nice to his teammates. It is really, really bad, and it’s very embarrassing. I get on him about his attitude, as does his coach, and as does his father. I’ve told him to stop, I gave the coach permission to say anything he wants to him to get him to be better, and his dad loses his temper with him after games. I’ve done everything I can think of. -Shanae, Sandusky, Ohio

Shanae,

You have actually not done anything. You and the other adults around him have talked a lot, yet done, as far as I can tell, literally nothing. 

This is a shame because kids, including yours apparently, are good at ignoring words, but they tend to notice actions--especially when the actions are well-planned and meaningful.

Your son does not know how to conduct himself as a member of a team. He needs to be trained with actions instead of words by his coach, his dad, and by you. The lowest cost way for your son to learn this is for his coach to teach him through actions. If he fails to do so, you will have to do the training of and for your son.

Here’s how I would set the limit with your son:

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I’ve been lecturing you about your attitude on the court during basketball games for years now, and I wanted to sincerely apologize to you about that. I won’t do that again. 

Kid: That is a relief. Thank you.

Kid Whisperer: You are welcome. I think that I have not properly taught you to be a disciplined leader who treats people well, and I’m sorry for that too. This season I will never lecture you, and if I see you roll your eyes at your coach, argue a call, treat your teammates poorly, or act in any way that embarrasses our family, that will be the end of your season, and we will do some conduct lessons in place of basketball practice for the rest of the year. There will be no warnings.

Kid: That’s ridiculous! I am an athlete! I have a right to play basketball!

Kid Whisperer: I don’t argue. Anyhoo, if you can follow my rules and stay on the team, I will be proud to support your basketball career this year. Otherwise, you can take another crack at it next season. We’ll have plenty of time to work on your behavior by next year. I wish you luck.

Before having this talk, have a conversation with Kid’s coach, letting him know of the new rule. He may come up with some new strategies to train your son to be someone who acts like a disciplined leader. 

Also have a conversation with your husband before the Kid conversation. Let him know about your limit, and if he disagrees with it, let him know that he is more than welcome to support your son’s trajectory to become the biggest jerk in all of sports if he wishes to drive him to each basketball event, wash his uniform, go to games by himself, etcetera.

It is not your responsibility to make sure your son gets to play basketball. That is his responsibility. He can make sure that happens by following your rules. 

It is, however, your responsibility to raise a child who is a positive, pro-social member of society. We have enough basketball players. We need more nice people.