Dear Kid Whisperer, 

I teach at an alternative school, where most students have been unable to be successful at their assigned public school and most students have at least one behavior goal in their Individualized Education Plan. I have received your training and read your book. They both have helped tremendously. Things are going well in my classroom overall, except with one student. He has threatened to punch me multiple times. As you have taught me, I delayed the learning opportunity (consequence). The problem is that he refuses to do the Delayed Learning Opportunity. What do I do now? 

I love this question because it may be the ultimate “where the rubber meets the road” question: What do I do when the kid refuses to do the learning necessary to become a better person? 

First, this answer will not address whether or not a kid needs to be suspended for this action. That will be determined by schools, usually vis-à-vis school policy. While there are times when this is a good idea (we need to make students and teachers feel safe and we may need time to come up with a plan for the student) SUSPENSIONS ARE NOT AN EFFECTIVE MEANS OF TEACHING KIDS PRO-SOCIAL BEHAVIOR. 

For many, many kids, suspensions are a reward and a vacation. For many, many kids, suspensions reinforce negative behaviors by gifting attention, a feeling of control, and the avoidance of school. When suspended, many, many kids will be unsupervised, giving them the opportunity to ride their bike around the neighborhood and brag about how they got suspended. Of course, once the behavior becomes reinforced in this way, it is likely to repeat, which will result in another suspension, and maybe another, and then maybe an expulsion. 

When this happens, we have kind of tricked this kid into getting repeatedly suspended or even expelled from school. Of course, since you are at an alternative school, this child has probably already been expelled from a school. 

Here are some horrifying realties that I detail in my book, The Classroom Behavior Manual: 

• Half of all students who enter 9th grade with three or more suspensions on their record will drop out of high school (Balfanz, Byrnes, & Fox, 2014). 

• One out of 11 high school dropouts is currently in prison. For African Americans, the ratio is one out of four (Eley, 2009). 

• One out of 131 people in this country is currently sitting in a prison cell (Public Safety Performance Projects, 2009). 

• One out of 31 adults in this country is in jail or prison, on parole, or on probation (Public Safety Performance Projects, 2009). 

This leads me to suggest that you make a profound paradigm shift. This kid refusing to do his Delayed Learning Opportunity (DLO), delivered with calm, loving empathy is a wonderful thing, and may be the greatest opportunity this kid has ever had in his life. 

By refusing to learn an important lesson about life (perhaps writing a plan for what to do when frustrated that does not involve violence or threatening violence, or practicing being given disappointing news and not becoming violent or threatening violence) this kid is effectively waving a big flag at you that says: 

HEY! I don’t know how to be a positive, pro-social person yet! I can do it, but I need your help! I think that becoming belligerent and refusing a reasonable request from an adult authority figure can get me out of trouble and can get me what I want! If you don’t teach me that my belligerent, anti-social behavior doesn’t make my life better, my life is going to become way, way worse over time, and this will lead to horrible pain and suffering!  

HELP ME!!! 

The next step is to create what we call DLO Logistics so that we create DLO Inevitability. How we do this will vary for each kid and situation. The goal is to give the kid no attention, control, or avoidance while he refuses to learn to be a more positive, pro-social person, over the course of days, weeks, or months during non-instructional time. It may involve keeping the kid in one place while he is belligerent or having a perfect Non-Reactive Monitoring (NRM) plan that may involve multiple people. Doing so will ensure that he eventually learns the lessons (in this case, not becoming belligerent and not threatening violence) that can give him a chance for happiness and success in life. 

The next two columns will address this same question, but will give you options for a problem-solving lesson and a practice lesson.  

Stay tuned!